I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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