i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
