Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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