I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
