Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
