i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
