I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
