i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
