if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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