I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
