She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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