ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
