i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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