I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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