I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
