my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
