FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
