I can't watch pbs sober anymore
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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