i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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