Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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