Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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