when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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