I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
