His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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