Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
