JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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