I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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