I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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