When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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