i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
