Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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