She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
