I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
