i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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