new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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