I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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