You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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