god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
