Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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