So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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