so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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