Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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