I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
