whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
