woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
