4 words: hood of his car
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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