i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Drake has all the answers
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
