So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
