I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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