how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
