Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
