Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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