A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
too bad you live with your parents still
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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